Sweet Flowers

ok whatever. it's been days and i havent seem to get over my misery. everytime i tink about it, that sad moment re-enacts itself all over again. it was kind of shocking and unexpected but i nvr did expect that to happen. i thought i worked hard enough, day in day out. i put in my best for nearly every subject (except for emaths) and i still have not performed well. was it the pressure? or was it just me ? did i not study as hard as those who scored >7 distinctions?

in the hall, when mrs lim read through all those who did well, i know it's unreasonable and insane, but i did once hope my name would appear some where. anywhere. it didnt. my hopes fell. but i carried on my hopes that maybe i would get my desired L1R5 of _ & below. yet my dream never came true. as i stepped out to get my result slip from ms lee, i looked at her hoping she would give me a hint as to how many points i got. she just returned a blank look with that ~~crooked mouth of hers~~.

i elbowed my way back to my seat. i was nervous. i didnt care about what others were doing. i saw it. all the horrendous marks i got. not a single one impressed me. i was devastated. i had a scary thought. i imagined an L1R5 of _ . i broke down. it just hadnt sunk in that my results were that bad. i tore open the envelope and saw the grade. i couldnt rmb if i continued to cry of relief or sadness. yes, it wasnt what i expected and yes i did worse than what i expected but no, it wasnt that bad. but still the tears came. i thought reality had sunk in. there was nothing i could do about the results anyway.

i called mum. she thought it was a good grade. i didnt know if she was trying to console me and yet deep down in her heart, she wished i did better. my mind was in a whirl to try to decipher her feelings. i knew i let her down. i was crying as she consoled me, i didnt know how to reply.

then i saw those tears. tears rolling down her cheeks. i felt mean, and i did not stop to console her. i was sad myself, thinking about my grades. then slowly i felt sorry for her. yet i didnt say anything.

the 4 sat at the stairs. everyone was just too emotional. we sat there for a long long time. i smsed my friends. the replies got worse and worse. i know i shouldnt compare but well it's sort of like a human nature in me. i prob did the worst in my class. i'm gonna be separated from 202 and shifted all the way back. worse still, what if i'm the only person i'm going to know there? it will be back to my own self, where i will distance myself from knowing friends and missing everyone in 202. sorry, that's me. paranoid freak.